On The Airbands

The subject of air humour was discussed recently at a meeting at the offices of AUSTRALIAN AVIATION. As a result of various opinions aired at that meeting, we thought we would ‘put the ball at your feet’ and let you contribute stories of which you have personal knowledge. You will be able to share your funny airborne experiences and those you may have heard on the radio through the medium of a series of regular articles in AUSTRALIAN AVIATION devoted to what’s happening in the air, and what’s being said on the radio about it.

We would like YOU to contribute. If you have heard a funny situation develop on the aircraft radio, or you have been part of a situation that perhaps had comical overtones, write to us. Just jot down the facts and we’ll do the rest. We’ll make ii suitable to be published and edit out any identifiable words or phrases. (The Wireless Telegraphy Act forbids passing on of identifiable information which is heard on the radio. ) For example, if what you send us is a story about what happened to QANTAS FLIGHT 1 on the way to London, when we write about it it will have a replacement airline name and flight number. We’d call it, for example, “Jetstream Flight 4” or something of that order. Send all your letters to ROBERT BELL, 68 ASHBY AVENUE, YAGOONA NSW 2199.

We repeat that ALL airline names, registration marks and other identifying items will be extracted and replaced with unidentifiable ‘replacement’ names and flight numbers. So no airline, company, persons or individual will be compromised. You may find your story in print and if it is, you will get a credit, if you desire it. Please indicate if you wish to be credited with supplying the information.

Two classic examples of airborne humour that may set you on the right tangent occurred recently. The first involves two Boeing 747 airliners flying from Sydney to Singapore. Both aircraft departed Sydney within minutes of each other, and steered onto the 2-7-9- radial from the Sydney omni, heading towards Katoomba, Parkes, Reola, etc. to Alice Springs and, eventually, Derby, on the West Australian coastline, for the start of the ocean crossing.

Overhead Parkes VOR beacon, both aircraft were little more than 25 seconds apart. One aircraft was at 35,000 feet, the other at 37,000 feet. As the first 747 reported to Sydney Control on 131. 3 that he was overhead Parkes, the conversation and its humorous ending went something like this:

“. . . . Seabird six-niner-niner, overhead Parkes at 0520, flight level three five-zero, Reola at zero-six-one, fuel remaining ten hours plus one-two minutes, temperature minus three-two, wind two-six-three diagonal two zero. And, . . . er, request direct track Parkes to Derby, I. N. S. ” (This referred to the inertial navigation system. )

CONTROL – “Seabird 6-9-9 Sydney Control, roger, and you can track directly to Derby, I. N. S. ”

“Thank you sir, Seabird six-niner-niner. ”

Shortly after, however, the other aircraft, two thousand feet above flight 699, spoke to Sydney Control.

“Er. . . ah, Sydney Control, Translate 4, we’d er. . . ah, like to track directly to Derby from our present position too!” CONTROL – “Translate four, track direct to Derby, I. N. S. ” “Direct to Derby, I. N. S. , Transtate 4. ” Almost immediately, still on control frequency of 131. 3, Seabird spoke directly to Translate 4 and told the aircraft to monitor the pilot chit-chat channel (unofficial) of 123. 450 Mhz.

Once on this channel, only one word was spoken by the crew of flight 699 to the crew of Transtate flight 4. And that word was. . . “PARASITE!” Another recent amusing incident involved a Gulfstream business jet. inbound from Singapore to Sydney, with the final leg of the journey including Parkes VOR, Bindook VOR and then straight-in-approach to Sydney International Airport. The air/ground conversation sounded like this: (Deep South, Texan-style accent of middle-aged pilot) “Arr. . . err Sydney er Control, er this is Gulfstream November one-two- three-four-alpha, with you, inbound from flight level four-one-oh to Sydney. Ah. . . we er, can’t seem to put our ears on the beacon you mentioned earlier, Sir, er. . . Bandook?” CONTROL”Sir that’s Bindook. Callsign Bravo-India. ” “Arr, right Sydney. Err, Bandook. Bravo-alpha-kilo (Sydney Control then went through the whole correction process again. ) 5 minutes later. . . .

“. . . . ah Sydney Control. . . Sir, was that Bandook?” CONTROL – “No Sir, it wasn’t. It was given several times as Bindook. Full spelling is Bravo-india-november-delta-oscar-oscar-kilo. Callsign is Bravo-India. Frequency 116 decimal 8. ” “Oh right. Gee, sorry about that Sir. It’s Bandoo. Right. Got it. Thank you Sydney Control, we’re err, ah, right now. We have it. ” 3 minutes later. . . .

“Ah. Sydney Control, November 1-2-3-4-alpha. . . you say Bandoo, but we can’t see it on our RNCS. (radio navigation charts) There’s Bindook though, do you want us to track there?” CONTROL -“Yes please Sir!” “Arr, you got a frequency for that one Sir?” CONTROL – “One-one-six decimal eight thanks, one-one-six decimal eight. ” “One-one-six point eight. Gee thanks Sir. ” 1 minute later. . . .

“Golly Sir. . . we got a slight problem with that 116. 8, we’re not getting it up here for B-I-N-D-O-O-K. ” CONTROL – “Don’t worry about it Sir. I’ll radar-vector you there. Steer zero-four-zero degrees till otherwise advised!” (The Controller was by now at wit’s end) Just then. . . . a domestic airliner, a Boeing 727 pilot chipped into the conversation.

“Sydney Control, this is Romeo-papa-tango. I’d just like to say that listening to all this has been better than any episode of Hancock’s Half Hour!” Whereupon. . . I collapsed with laughter, and had my first thoughts about this article! These two stories are meant just to get you thinking about what you’ve done or heard. So write to us. It’s over to you.