Let There Be Light

‘You can avoid having regrets, particularly if life throws you a curve ball’

Ultimately his death was peaceful, which is always a relief. As a family we had a good amount of time to spend together, which allowed us to be as prepared as we could for the day he was no longer with us. His funeral is in a couple of days. There will be a small-town wake – a bunch of down to earth people, having a few too many beers, regaling stories (some will be accurate, most will be grossly exaggerated), with heartfelt belly laughs, hugs and tears as we celebrate his life.

After his body has been lowered into the grave, it’s final resting place, and once family and friends have headed home the true grieving process will begin. Those anxious moments where you subconsciously reach for the telephone to call to say hi, to chat about the week, and it hits you, straight in the heart, that they’re no longer there. And there will be many days of contemplation, which has already begun, an opportunity to question the decisions of your own life.

As I reflect on my Dad’s life, it’s a good time for you to reflect on your life and the key themes from the previous four Out of the Blue articles. Even if you just take one or two of the key themes and you implement new habit patterns for high performance, you can enhance relationships, your health, energy and vitality. You can avoid having regrets, particularly if life throws you a curve ball and brings you closer than you want to be to your final day on this planet.

Time to reflect – you get to choose

The reality is life is short, particularly as you get older and start to spend more time looking back, reflecting on past experiences and contemplating your own sense of purpose. One thing I’ve learned as I’m thinking about my Dad is for most of us (particularly in a relatively affluent, first world country) is we get to make choices. Unfortunately, for many, those choices such as ‘busyness’ and a ‘drift towards self-inflicted loneliness’ (Out of the Blue – Part 1) are not making you happy or healthy!

You get to choose whether you’re going to be an active part of enhancing your life today, to make good decisions now that will allow you to live a more fulfilling and rewarding life, enriched through close personal connections with family, friends and a local community. All the basis of what our brains need to thrive: proper nutrition (Out of the Blue – Part 4); exercise; sufficient restful sleep (Out of the Blue – Part 3); regular, healthy circadian rhythms; downtime for relaxation/restoration; purpose and meaning, including a spiritual connection to something larger than yourself.

Or, if stuck in poor habit patterns that are leading to degraded performance, you still get to make the choice to do nothing, to potentially wallow in self-pity, to treat yourself as the victim, to blame someone else for your circumstances, until eventually it’s all too late.

There is clear evidence that regular time away, whether you work as long-haul aircrew, corporate charter, or fly-in/fly-out type arrangements (for example taking a promotion – second officer to first officer, first officer to captain) in one city while leaving your family in another can, if not carefully managed, have a debilitating effect over the longer term.

You’re exposed to a challenging work environment: disrupted sleep patterns, jet lag/changed time zones, and having to constantly realign your own routines each time you return. And for many the dichotomy is the job is likely providing a good income stream. You know you should be happy but for some you’re feeling more and more displaced, lonely, unloved and wondering how you got to this point in life.

But as longer-term exposure to these routines starts to take a real toll you still get to make choices: whether you get help from a sleep doctor to correct poor sleep hygiene, one of the most essential elements for long-term well-being; whether you see a psychologist to help address such issues as the constant bickering/anger within your relationship, the self-doubt that continues to linger and is leading to increased consumption of alcohol to cope; whether you continue to spend excessive time in front of a distracting device (smartphone, iPad), constantly switching from one task to another, re-wiring your brain to constantly seek novelty and all to the detriment of what you know is critical to professional standards in the aviation industry – an ability to manage distractions and maintain high attentional focus (Out of the Blue – Part 2).

If after many years you’re still struggling with the work environment, you also get to choose whether you stay in that environment or make a positive change e.g. a change of role from long-haul to short haul. What I know you cannot afford to do is nothing if you’re no longer able to break the cycle.

As one last insight (a tool I’ve made a habit) in addition to the previous four articles, I’m keen to briefly introduce The Third Space.

The ‘Third Space’

Dr Adam Fraser, author of The Third Space, is a thought leader in human performance. After interviewing hundreds of successful people, he discovered a common thread. Those who were able to flourish in life and transition from one role they play to another, did so because they’d mastered the ‘Third Space’.

“The ‘First Space’ is what you’re doing now. The ‘Second Space’ is what you’re about to do and the ‘Third Space’ is the gap in the middle,” explains Dr Fraser. Different environments require different things from each of us. At work, you need to be task-driven and efficient, but at home you need to be connected and relaxed – and that’s why, when you use your ‘Third Space’, you can make a better transition between those two parts of your life.

As part of his research, Dr Fraser asked “if your mum/dad, husband/wife, partner/spouse had balance, what would that look like?”. The interesting thing he found was none of them talked about time, which is often the metric for balance. Many said they understood the emails, calls (or in your case the impact of flight schedules) but what they didn’t understand was that you come through that door and you’re a jerk; you come through that door and you take your day out on us; you come through that door and treat us like we’re an inconvenience.

What families said balance looked like was coming through the door in a good mood and wanting to interact with them. Through his research, Dr Fraser developed a simple process to enhance the ‘Third Space’.

Taking the time to adjust your mindset on the journey from work (your last, tiring, flight schedule) prior to walking through the door at home is critical to being what you need to be with your family and friends. Dr Fraser found this process involves three key steps: to reflect, rest and reset.

Reflect

As you move away from your day (or schedule), reflect on it. Make sense of it. Now, when you ask a busy set of high achievers to reflect on their day, what will they think about? Everything that went wrong, everything that sucked about their day. What Dr Fraser found was when people reflected on their day, they have a cynical bias. It is important to avoid pessimism and cynicism by answering these three questions – ‘what went well today? What did I achieve? How did I get better?’ What he found was when people at the end of their day looked at what they achieved and how they grew, they got an optimistic mindset and they grew in terms of happiness.

Rest

Use this stage to calm your mind and recompose so you don’t move onto the next task with racing thoughts. Depending on time, take a few deep breaths, do a crossword puzzle on the train, read a book in a taxi, or listen to relaxing music in the car. The intent is for your mind to be still and present.

Reset

Think about how you will show up when you walk through that door? How will you affect the space you are about to move into? Align your mindset with what is about to happen. Ask yourself what your intention is. How do you have to behave to get that intention?

What Dr Fraser found was for those who practised the above steps for one month there was a 41 per cent improvement in mood in the home.

From my own personal experience, as a former pilot and with ongoing and regular travel and time away from home, combined with a couple of children, my mindset use to be: I’m tired, low on energy, I can’t wait to get home and relax, bags down, a possible nap etc. The reality is my children and wife just needed some positive energy and genuine interaction. The option to walk through the door at home expecting the family could just ignore me, accept my low energy, allow me to have a nap never, ever ended well. This ‘Third Space’ has become so valuable from my own experience it’s now a habit pattern that delivers high performance through a positive change to my own expectations and mindset. Day one of walking through the door is my time to rise, to find the energy and meet expectations. Day 2 is recovery!

‘Take a few deep breaths, do a puzzle … read a book … or listen to relaxing music’

Just do something good

That’s it for this series. If you would like to review some of the material I’ve found useful over the years I can recommend the following resources: The Brain Fog Fix (Dr Mike Dow); The Complete Guide to a Good Night’s Sleep (Dr Carmel Harrington); The Third Space (Dr Adam Fraser).

In summary, and as per Out of the Blue – Part 2, one area to focus on a journey for increased happiness and increased attentional focus is to regain conscious control over distracting devices. Anything you do to redirect conscious control towards “being in the moment”, particularly if it also enhances face-to-face, social interactions, is the key to shaping new habit patterns for enhanced attentional focus and the ongoing release of the positive, feel-good chemicals our brains need for longer-term health.

All you need to identify is one activity a week for 20-30 minutes to start this journey. It could be having a breakfast and coffee on your own without your mobile phone. Whatever it is, start now. You might get an initial shock in the realisation of how short your attention span has become, all easily corrected through new habits and practice.

Ultimately, you get to make a choice: to make some positive changes and/or get the specialist support you need to manage the ongoing challenges of the impact of flight schedules or do nothing. I know you’re well educated – it’s your call.