Tales

A particular pilot became so famous for his consistent flight at minimum altitude that new pilots being shown the routes were told “to check that you are on track, fly low until you go over some sheep. If they scatter, you are off track, if they take no notice, you are on track, as they are so used to planes flying low over them!”

Prior to the advent of Distance Measuring Equipment, if following a railway line, a very accurate spot check of ground speed could be obtained by timing the passage of the railway mile posts.

(C. Hill, Perth)

The China Syndrome

I was reading through some of my old AA magazines when I came across ‘No Pain, No Gain’ in your April 1994 ‘Tales’ section. I was reminded of my own experiences in China and their airline system.

It was April 1992 and I was travelling with the rest of my family on a package tour of Beijing. Our travel agent had told us to arrive at the airport at least three hours prior to departure — as we wanted to guarantee non-smoking seats for my asthma-suffering grandmother and sister. Suffice to say — this was not to be. Arriving at the correct time, we were told that we were lucky to even get seats as Air China had overbooked 80 passengers with confirmed reservations. We ended up eventually getting grandma her non-smoking seat, but the rest of us were spread around the smoking section at the back. We were then told the flight was running four hours late due to an unforeseen delay in Guangzhou. Ho hum.

Finally we boarded our 11:10 am flight at 2:30 pm, only to find that I was seated next to a psychopathic first-time flyer who couldn’t find the air conditioning vent. It was then I realised we were on a 747SP (as opposed to the 200/300/400) and that these were not equipped with personal vents. I explained that we were not all going to die of oxygen starvation — but I suspect he questioned my honesty.

We then started to leave the ramp, and the tragic excuse for a safety demonstration began. Apparently it was said in English as well as the various Chinese dialects, but I personally didn’t hear it.

As the aircraft began its roll down the runway, the immense vibrations led to one of the overhead storage bins unlocking and opening — not an uncommon sight really. What was uncommon was the sight of one of the Asian passengers undoing his seatbelt, getting out of his seat and trying to close it — all whilst the plane was still in rotation. A flight attendant then proceeded to also get up and the result was an argument (in a language foreign to me) in the middle of the aisle. This acted as unique inflight entertainment, a continuation of which was indeed lacking throughout the rest of the flight.

Air China 747SP

The food was bland — all served in paper boxes — and the drinks were self-serve as indeed we weren’t supposed to interrupt the flight attendant’s rest period.

My reading light, which wouldn’t turn off at the start of the flight, but now following what felt like a total loss of power mid-air, would not turn on. This is not good when you want to read a book and it’s pitch black outside and the cabin lights are on minimum power.

I am also convinced turbulence follows Air China planes around the globe, even when they’re on the ground. This according to a friend, is because they can’t afford enough fuel to fly at 35,000 ft so they opt for 25,000 ft instead. I think he’s joking though — I hope so!

Our approach into Beijing after a daunting stopover at Guangzhou (I felt like I was entering a Nazi concentration camp) was similar to riding in a taxi in China. Chinese cab drivers don’t stick to traffic lanes, and the pilots don’t stick to glide paths. I tried to convince the first-timer next to me that it was perfectly normal for food trolleys to dislodge themselves from the galleys and head, at high velocity towards the back of the plane. He again questioned my honesty and rightfully so!

We’re finally at Beijing Airport and my father tries to change some money — something that takes no less than half an hour. This is not a good idea at 3:00 am, and your guide has failed to turn up — as you then become reliant on Beijing taxis. These are in short supply and in the end our only option was to accept the offer of a dodgy-looking man with a dodgy van with dodgy chickens in the back.

Twenty-five minutes and $A60 later we got to the hotel to find that surprisingly our reservations actually existed. Still no sign of the guide or any correspondence from him. Ten faxes later, we find out the guide is sick and can’t make it and thus we organise a new guide with the hotel. Seven beautiful days were spent in Beijing relatively hassle-free, but this was no indication of what was to happen on our return journey.

We arrived at the airport four hours prior to departure in order to be first in line at one of the check-in counters. Interestingly enough, only two were allocated to the whole of economy class. We managed to get in second in one of the lines — a guarantee of getting seats in non-smoking at an emergency exit to accommodate my father and myself legroom-wise. Yet this was not meant to be, as the family ahead of us in the line had failed to reconfirm their reservations, and in the ensuing 45 minutes that it took for them to sort the problem out, everyone in the other line got all the good seats. When our turn came, we were given upgrades to Business Class (our problem solved?).

Upon boarding the flight, we headed for our seats in Business Class and after sorting our hand luggage we sat down awaiting takeoff. Well, five minutes later we were approached by someone who was probably the purser, asking to see our boarding passes. He then subsequently told us that our seats had been changed and he led us to the back of the plane where again we were seated scattered around economy class in the smoking section.

Well, what do you do? We said nothing and our flight home was uneventful. Fortunately for grandma, few were smoking. We just were thankful that we were back in Sydney, alive!

(Alexander Freeman, Pymble)