Tales

Flying The Hump

Looking for better departure times when travelling within Asia I have resorted to taking a variety of different airlines including British Airways. I thus boarded the 747 flight and settled down for my first Speedbird flight. Prior to the pushback one of the pilots made the first of three broadcast announcements from the flightdeck. “Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your First Officer Nick Price from the cockpit, I will be flying the sector tonight from Kuala Lumpur to Bangkok. As soon as we are airborne I will get back to you with details of the flight and arrival details for Bangkok”. Once we were established in the cruise FO Price came back with the flight and weather details as promised and prepared the 747 for the letdown into Bangkok. So far my first flight on BA was progressing very smoothly. As we were about 20 feet from touchdown FO Price’s concentration must have lapsed for a few seconds and the giant bird thumped onto the Don Muang runway. The crew and passengers all, in unison, let out a mighty gasp and the dinner service made a reappearance from the galley and quite a few overhead lockers flew open. As the 747 slowed and exited the runway FO Price was quick to comfort the alarmed passengers with a positive and reassuring announcement as well as an excuse for the harsh landing. “Ladies and gentlemen First Officer Nick Price again from the cockpit, I would like to apologize for the rather firm arrival into Bangkok. This was due to the fact that the airport authorities have advised us that there is a rather large lump at the end of the runway and we are all doing our best to level it out for them”.

(K Goodall, Malaysia)

Quick Witted

An airline crew was overnighting in Perth, and crowded into the lift at the hotel. Another person squeezed into the lift as the doors closed, and accidentally hit one of the lady flight attendant’s breasts with his elbow. He said: “If your heart’s as soft as your bosom, you’ll forgive me”. To which she quickly replied: “If the rest of you is as hard as your elbow, I’m in Room 415!”

(P Purcell, Lane Cove)

Rear Gunner

During the early 1960s friendly rivalry existed between two squadrons operating out of RAAF Williamtown. One squadron operated Avon Sabres and the other dual seat Vampires for OTU training for newly graduated baggies prior to Sabre conversion. When operating in any training area the drill was all heads up and eyes scanning watching for the likely bounce from either operator. On one such occasion an exuberant new jock spied below a lone Sabre at slow speed returning to base. Eagerly he positioned his Vampire for a line action attack and the inevitable call of “Splash one Sword!”. Unbeknown to our new ace the said Sabre was returning from the Air-to-Air range as the ‘tugboat’ and with the banner shot off. Trailing behind the aircraft was 25 metres of steel cable. Result, one very embarrassed Pilot Officer explaining to his CO the reason for the sudden rise in RAAF expenses due to a very badly gashed and grazed aircraft canopy.

(J Pyman, Tallai)

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If so, then why don’t you share it with the world by sending it in to ‘Tales’, Australian Aviation, PO Box 3105, Weston Creek ACT 2611 or fax it on (06) 288 2021. Readers who have their tales published will receive a six issue subscription with our compliments. Current subscribers will have six issues credited to their current sub. You can remain anonymous if you prefer and the editor naturally has the right to edit material as required. So go to it, tell us your favourite aviation tale, and join in the fun.

Nibbles

Passenger to attendant: “A Vodka and Tonic, please”

Attendant: “Certainly Sir” (goes and brings back the drink)

Passenger: “I’m terribly sorry, I meant to ask for a Scotch and Dry”

Attendant: “No problem, Sir” (gets the new drink)

Passenger: “I’m really sorry, it must be jetlag, but I really meant to ask for the Vodka and Tonic.”

Attendant: “No problem Sir, but would you mind first nibbling on my ear?”

Passenger: “Not at all, but can I ask why?”

Attendant: “Well, when someone’s screwing me around, I’d like a bit of passion to go with it!!”

(P Purcell, Lane Cove)

Colonial’s Revenge

In the days before radar was an aid out west, an RAAF Canberra was transiting from Amberley to Edinburgh SA while an inbound BOAC 707 was wishing to commence its descent to Mascot. Mascot cleared the 707 to descend once both aircraft had visual contact with each other. The 707 captain confirmed in upper class Queen’s English he had sighted Magpie 21 (The Canberra being flown by a well known officer whose speech impediment didn’t prevent him from being promoted to a high rank). Much to the 707 pilot’s frustration the Canberra pilot continually reported he was unable to sight “Speedbird” (707). Finally the 707 captain exclaimed “What’s the matter Magpie 21 you must be blind!” To which our RAAF Chappy replied: Ber ber ber better to to be be be Blind than a ber ber bloody Pome!

(Tom Hamilton, Richmond NSW)