Tales

Most people can take a joke, even when it is directed at them, but there are always those who never see the funny side of anything. Some years ago, I and my Trashie crew were supporting a flight of fighters on their way through Townsville to Darwin for exercises. We were in Base Operations studying the flightplan when a Wing Commander and Commanding Officer of the squadron concerned, came in to submit their flight plans.

The big bowl of jelly beans which someone had placed on the flight planning table quickly caught his eye. But the man had no sense of humour and the Operations Officer, a Flight Lieutenant of many years service, duly sufferedhis indignation. The Wing Commander saw no fun in the gesture and went on at length about how professional fighter pilots really were, and just how sick and tired he was of Knuckle Head and jelly bean jokes. He then took back his copies of the flight plans, turned and stormed out.

As the door slammed shut, the Flight Lieutenant, who until now had remained silent, looked at us and casually stated: “Wait till he opens his lunch box at thirty thousand feet!” (A Edwards, Revesby)

Lighten the load

It is said that by coincidence, not design, a Liberal, a Democrat and a Labor politician found themselves on the same chartered light aircraft out of Canberra and on the way to Adelaide.

As the plane passed over the Mallee, the Liberal pulled a $100 note from his wallet, opened a window and let the note flutter from his hands, declaring that it would find its way to a farmer in need.

The Democrat, not to be outdone, pulled two $50notes from his fob pocket, opened the window and dispatched them on their way, saying that his generosity would help two farmers in need.

The Laborite got to his feet, pulled ten $10 notes from his back pocket, Definitely the lighter side of aviation! them through a window and said that he would help ten farmers in need. All of this activity attracted the attention of the pilot.

“If the three of you don’t shut up and sit down,” he bellowed, “I’ll throw all of you out of the plane and help every farmer in need!” (General Aviation Association)

Engine out!

Ever flown a Cessna 337 Skymaster, that neat little push pull twin with one engine in the front and one in the rear? Those who have swear by the breed as it represents a thinking man’s answer to the problem of engine out asymmetrics compared to losing one on a conventional twin. Which is not always a nice event regardless of what the brochure says about continued flight on one donk.

Cessna 337 Skymaster Anyway a friend of mine is a small time charter operator and owns a 337 up in the north and one day thought he would get the better of four rather smart alec city bankers and their lawyers who were not exactly performing a mission of benefit to the local community. In fact they were in train to evict several farmers from their properties who had been hit hard by drought, falling commodity prices and high interest rates.

Apparently my friend had carefully noted that none of the four had paid Do you have a tale to tell? If so then share it with the world by sending it in to “Tales’, Australian Aviation, PO Box 3105, Weston Creek, ACT, 2611 or by fax on (06) 288 2021.

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muchattention to the plane when boarding and most probably didn’t even realise it had an engine in the tail.

Seems that after reaching cruising height, and over predictably rugged terrain, he gently retards the rear engine back to about half power whilst suddenly cutting the front engine back to idle. Add some gyrations, alook of panic and a steep turn or two and, well, you’ve really got the attention of our city boys who think they are rapidly approaching an appointment with St Peter.

This goes on for about three minutes with the Cessna gyrating about the sky and diving up and down ever closer to the spectacular canyons below. The human cargo is terrified whilst their pilot ‘fights to regain control.

Feeling that enough is enough he then pretends to fiddle with the engine controls and lo and behold restores life to the forward engine. Just in the nick of time no less.

Legend has it that the four emerged from the Skymaster white and somewhat less emotive for their crucial meeting with the rural community they had come to bludgeon. Apparently those city bankers and their expensive lawyers never did figure out that it was all a stunt while the pilot nowadays is good for a free beer in every pub in the district.

Spooky’s revenge

Our next item comes from Larry Davis’ book on gunships in Vietnam where he recalls amission involving an AC-47 gunship and a C-47 Dakota psyche aircraft. Monty Python fans will love this one.

“One of the more interesting night missions was when Spooky (the gunship) was assigned to work with a Č-47 psywar aircraft – Gabby to her friends and unofficially a Bullshit Bomber. It was a standard C-47 with a massive speaker mounted in the cargo door and an ARVN troop constantly rejoicing over the mike about the benefits of the South Vietnamese government. Gabby would orbit at about 3500ft in a pylon turn and begin talking to the ‘little guys on the ground’, always imploring them not to fire upon the speaker aircraft or great trouble would befall them. ” Unbeknownst to the black pyjama crowd, Spooky was also orbiting above them, at about 3000ft in complete darkness and about a quarter turn behind Gabby. Sure enough, the black pyjama boys couldn’t restrain themselves and began taking pot shots at the brightly lit Gabby at which point the unseen wrath of the gunship would fall upon them like lava from heaven. The massive onslaught complete, Gabby would retort “See, I told you so”.