Tales

USAF F-15 Eagles With a slight touch of smugness, the F- 15 commander came on the airways with the following gem: “To all stations, we’re a couple of Eagles up here at fifty thousand feet, and the weather’s real smooth up here, would ya like to join us?” The Eagle pilots soon had the smiles wiped of their faces though as, after about a ten second silence, an unidentified airline captain smoothly replied “Hi ya Eagles, up there at fifty thousand feet, we appreciate the air is really smooth up there but how is ya paycheck!” The final scene has the two Eagles trucking on silently towards Langley without a further word being said.

Bottles away!

HMAS Melbourne was returning home a long cruise through SE Asia where the crew had wisely taken the opportunity to refresh their liquor stocks.

Now, we won’t suggest for a moment that anybody was really smuggling more than their legal allocation of alcoholic beverages into Australia though it did come to pass that occasionally this might just occur. Legend has it that at this point in time one of the carrier’s Gannets would have its bomb bay stockpiled with something more akin to liquid explosive than mere torpedoes, bombs and mines.

With the carrier heading towards Garden Island, the air group launches for its short flight to Naval Air Station, Nowra. As befits such an occasion each squadron overflies the base in tight formation

TALES Definitely the lighter side of aviation!

much to the approval of the ground crews, family and assorted top brass. Now, if you got too fast in a Gannet one way of slowing the beast down was to momentarily open the bomb bay doors to increase drag. Thus our Gannets are approaching Nowra a little too fast and are rapidly closing on the formation ahead of them and you guessed it, the CO quickly opens his bomb bay doors to wash off speed.

Meanwhile, our hapless friend (whois nowadays somebody of note in the aviation industry and will remain very anonymous) hits the door operating lever to avoid hurtling ahead of the formation. A split second after opening the doors he realises what he has done as the entire squadron silently watch thousands of dollars of bottled booty hurtle towards Jervis Bay, where it remains to this day! We certainly know who the drinks were on in the mess that night! RAN Fairey Gannet

Help!

Sometimes it just never fails to amaze what comes across our desk via press releases. Take this recent example describing a Jet Provost rebuild which is presently taking place.

“The aircraft was constructed in 1963 by BAC, then purchased by South Australian Federation (Yemen) as a ground attack aircraft to support the spread of Do you have a tale to tell? If so then share it with the world by sending it in to “Tales’, Australian Aviation, PO Box 3105, Weston Creek, ACT, 2611 or by fax on (06) 288 2021.

Readers who have their tales published will receive a six issue subscription with our compliments. Current subscribers will, of course, have six issues added to their current sub.

You can remain anonymous if you prefer and the editor naturally has the right to edit material as required. So go to it, tell us your favourite aviation tale and join in the fun communications into the United Arab Emirates. The aircraft was then returned to BAC after three years and 400 flying hours due to insufficient technical support and skilled pilots. It was then completely updated and refurbished by BAC and purchased by the Republic of Singapore Air Force as a ground attack/trainer aircraft. After four years the RSAF retired the Provost from service and replaced with the Stickmaster aircraft”.

Okay, Why are South Australians so interested in supporting communication in Yemen? If the Provost was so unreliable how did it accumulate a pretty healthy 400hrs combat time in such a rugged environment? What is a Stickmaster? Anyone knowing the correct answers to these ridiculous questions will win very little but will truly earn our undying praise for at least trying in the process.

A Stickmaster? Great advice I well remember my first solo cross country in a Tiger Moth.

It took an hour and a quarter and the routing was Point Cook/Werribee/ Meridith/Lethbridge and home.

Sensing that I was a little nervous at setting off solo on such a great journey, my instructor tried to relax me with a little humour. His advice was that ifI got lost I should take my watch off, whirl it round my head, and let it go. It would go west”- I was then to fly in the opposite direction which would take me back to Point Cook! Patience please! Your editor overheard this story whilst visiting the US Navy test station at Patuxent River during the early days of the F/A-18 programme.

One of the Hornet test pilots (who was on exchange to Navy) had cut his teeth on the much revered Century Series of fighters in his younger years and had in turn always been a member of what USAF respectfully call the ‘fighter community’.

Whilst visiting a Strategic Air Command base in the fifties in his F-104 Starfighter he ran into one of his training course buddies who had gone un to great things with SAC. After looking over the rocket like Starfighter, his bomber buddy suggested that he experience the thrill of flying in a B-47 Stratojet, the pride of SAC. B-47 Stratojet Understandably, Starfighterdriver was never a big fan of such underpowered giants though not wanting to disap- point his friend decided that he could only learn from the experience so gladly accepted. A B-47 was soon rolled out to the flightline with our jet jockey firmly ensconced in the rear seat. Being a desert base the day was already hot as the Stratojet taxied out to the two mile long strip of asphalt. At the threshold the six engined beast was run up to full power amid a cacophony of noise and smoke that truly left the Starfighter driver in awe. This could be exciting! The experience of being pinned in the seat by brute force on brake release however was not to eventuate as the silver giant sedately trundled down the long runway picking up speed at the apparent rate of a steam train. Understandably, our fighter jock began to get agitated as the 5000ft marker drifted by with less than 100kts on the dial with little apparent acceleration left in the beast. The story goes that by this stage our fighter jock felt so insecure that he had mentally prepared for ejection fearing a complete overrun when finally the Stratojet stumbled into the sky.

Apparently the big jet handled appropriately when in its natural element at 30,000ft though the way it got there taught our fighter friend to think twice before accepting another ride in one of SAC’s mega engined giants.

The last draw We don’t really know if this tale is true though its source assures us it is. You be the judge.

It is late in the afternoon and HMAS Melbourne is departing on a routine training exercise with a number of new crew members. One junior officer has apparently imbued too many drinks in his brief but fun filled stay in Sydney and decides to sleep it off before the coming of the dawn and duty time.

Finding his cabin empty, he decides on the top bunk and begins to clamber up the small ladder when the ship begins to roll in the increasing swell. Well, this lad is not on the tall side, damn small in fact and he slips off the ladder into one of the very large drawers that were a hallmark of Melbourne.

Another interesting design aspect of these drawers is that they have large flip down clips which are used to secure them in anything other than a calm sea state. Get the picture! Finding that the drawer is filled with soft clothing our hapless friend settles into deep sleep not really caring that he didn’t make his bunk. Anyway, Melbourne turns suddenly with a roll that propels the drawer shut with a force that throws the clips down to lock the drawer securely in place.

Aircraft carriers of course are noisy places at the best of times and despite the thumping and screaming of our young officer, nobody heeds his dilemma till the next morning when the steward makes a routine visit to the cabin. Not believing what he is seeing, the steward liberates our friend, who immediately takes on a reputation throughout the senior service that few would want to lay claim to! Civvy bound A group of young aviators had been detailed to exchange pleasantries with the Chief of Naval Staff, who had just completed an inspection of the carrier. In the manner of these occasions they were grouped around the great man on the flight deck, trying to think of whatto say if they should be asked a question.

Now it so happened that CNS had been in the navy as an amidshipman during the first World War and somehow managed to scrounge a ride in an observation balloon during a visit to the front.

To demonstrate his prowess in matters aeronautical, he mentioned his ride and enquired to the audience at large as to whether anyone had ever flown a balloon? A course mate of mine who had decided that his future lay in civil aviation rather than the military volunteered that he had indeed flown a balloon.

When a somewhat surprised CNS enquired as to the occasion and the details, my friend replied “Oh, only on a piece of string sir” USAF C-141 Starlifter One for the girls! Back in the mid eighties the then Secretary of the (US) Navy, John Lehman, was known as an avid warbird enthustast. So much so that he had his own immaculately restored Vought F4U Corsair which he flew almost every Sunday out of Andrews AFB, Washington DC. Our story has the Number One man in the USN approaching Andrews after his morning sortie and expecting his usual VIP expedited entry instantly approved from an always obliging controller. Upon calling the tower however he is told that he is second in line behind a USAFC-141 Starlifter which is already established on finals.

“Tell those guys to orbit and clear me immediately for a straight in approach” came a quick and very authoritative response from the Navy supremo. Before the tower could reply though this more than amusing response filled the capital’s airwaves. “This (in a feminine south- ern drawl) is USAF Military Airlift Command Starlifter to Corsair, this aircraft is on finals and cleared to land and please note that there are no guys on this flightdeck, this sir is an all female crew”! Legend has it that the jet transport landed as advertised with a very subdued Secretary of the Navy taking his second place in the queue without further comment.

B-52 Stratofortress Big is better Following a bombing mission over South Vietnam, a B-52 is homeward bound for Guam, several thousand klics to the east.

As it trundles on, its eight engines humming reassuringly in the cold troposphere, two loitering F-4 Phantoms formate on the giant bomber to ‘escort’ it from Vietnamese airspace.

After a little friendly banter between the crews of the fighters and the giant bomber the Phantom lead serenely performs a roll over, around and under the lumbering giant to settle nicely off its starboard wingtip. “Very impressive, very smooth” comes the response from the Stratofortress skipper. “Thank you”, exclaims an obviously superior feeling Phantom pilot. “Now, why don’t you show us what you can do?” suggests the Phantom pilot in a semi mocking tone amidst subdued laughter from his backseater.

Well, nothing much happens for about three minutes and the fighter pilots are wondering what’s going on. “Well what did you do?” Asks a curious Phantom lead. “Well son, we did something that you boys could never do, we just shut down two engines!”