Opinion: Game, set and match for Qantas’ reputation

“It’s very succinct and to the point,” explained cabin crew union chief Terri O’Toole of JAL’s effort. “Don’t touch a bag. Get off the plane. That’s more important. Listen to your crew members’ directions. Follow what they tell you to do… it makes people comfortable that in an emergency, we know what we’re doing.” As for Qantas’, O’Toole quipped, “I think the oxygen mask is on a beach”.

Yet, if we put aside the point the video could kill you, its other flaw is simply being tone-deaf. Shot around the world in lavish locations resembling a Bond adventure, it doesn’t seem to be aware that Aussies are currently grappling with a cost-of-living crisis and aren’t particularly enamoured with the airline at present.

And then there’s the stars, with megawatt smiling Frequent Flyers delivering the critical instructions. “Taylor” looks like she’s catwalked off a movie set and is tasked with explaining to passengers how to put on a life jacket. “Alex”, meanwhile – and his disgustingly smug family – comes up with this pearler of a link: “Masks help us swim with the magnificent whale sharks of Ningaloo Reef,” he says, as his wife prepares to shove a snorkel in her mouth. “And you have masks on board, too”.

Not to say Qantas employees don’t feature. Female Qantas pilot “Vanessa” appears at the end and is given the critical role of wishing customers a safe trip while wearing a swimsuit. “I didn’t see a male pilot in a pair of budgie smugglers,” pointed out O’Toole. “Vanessa Hudson [CEO] needs to put her foot down and scrap this video. We’re disappointed and angry the company is wasting money on that. A safety video should be about safety, not a rom-com.”

It ends, of course, with the classic Qantas propaganda song, I Still Call Australia Home. A place you’ll get to eventually if it weren’t for all those pesky delays.

If it couldn’t have got any worse, there was a twist reminiscent of one of those Marvel post-credit sequences. Alan Joyce, The Maestro, touched down at Sydney Airport after going MIA for the last few months as the Kangaroo lay by the side of the motorway. Showing off his megawatt smile and looking relaxed in a garish printed shirt and shorts, he seemed a picture of health and relaxation. “Fellas, I don’t know what you’re all so worried about,” he might as well have said.

It all came when the airline should have been turning a corner after last year’s debacle, involving a court loss over outsourcing, the hasty exit of said former CEO, accusations of slot hoarding and a still-terrible cancellation record. Weeks ago, the airline welcomed the arrival of its first next-generation aircraft, the A220, and the promise of a new future with a refreshed executive team.

Instead, here we go again into a fifth set, with an upcoming court case with the ACCC still to come and a tricky set of results that can only end badly. (Make money, the press will say they’re fleecing customers, make not so much money, and the rookie CEO is out of her depth.)

As John McEnroe would say, “You cannot be serious”.