On The Airbands

TUFT 1: “Aaargustuft!!”

One of my Air Force spies named ‘Mike’ tells me that pilots find it pretty hard to keep a straight face when they continually hear exchanges like that. The time I them coming back through Richmond after a gruelling exercise, saw Tuft 1 leading the formation across FIS, Sydney Control and Richmond frequencies. ATC appeared to enjoy the joke slightly more than FIS. A youthful female controller at Richmond Tower actually gave up trying to respond to the callsign and. labelled the aircraft ‘Formation Flight’ or something equally clever!

* * *

An oldie but a goodie! The Aer Lingus captain who when asked about his height and position responded . . . “I’m, five foot six and sitting up the front!” (boom boo. m).

‘Mike’ also tells me that the Department of Defence was experimenting with a radar-controlled Naval gun during the sixties. As the target towing aircraft flew over the range, a. few rounds were firep up at the drogue, but as the radar was picking up a stronger return from the . tow aircraft, the firing was slowly directed up the towline towards the tow aircraft.

Suddenly the tow aircraft directed this comment to radar control.

NC: “Hey down there, I’m PULLING this mother . . . not PUSHING it; okay?”

* * *

From Alan Hennessey of Bowen Mountain, NSW.

NC: ”Darwin Ground, Delta Alpha Hotel, request taxi clearance

for . . . um . . . er . . . don’t tell me! I’ve got it written down here

somewhere, er . . . um. ”

* * *

NC: “Darwin Ground, Tango Bravo Hotel, flight23 for Melbourne . . . er . . . make that Adelaide . . . no, er . . . Alice Springs. Vair, that’s it. Oh well, good morning, request pushback. ”

And for something completely different . . .

Scene: Cathay Pacific 747 trying along Darwin’s parallel taxiway for runway 29, taxis past the tower.

GROUND: “Cathay 100, request you reduce outboard engines to idle power to reduce possible hazard to the taxiway. ”

NC: “Cathay 1oo, they are on idle power. ”

GROUND: “Pretty powerful idle!”

A/C: “Pretty big engines!”

* * *

Scene: Unidentified aircraft enquires what the time is. DARWIN TOWER: “If you’re Qantas, the time is 1600 hours. If you’re Ansett or Australian, it’s four o’clock. If you’re a local, the big hand is on twelve, the little one is on four. And if you’re a bush pilot it’s Wednesday!”

Thanks again Alan Hennessey:

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This piece from an anonymous contributor (name supplied) at Caloundra in Queensland.

Dateline: Brisbane Control, 130. 4MHz, aircraft ‘Maori 131’, westbound. Maori 131 had been under Brisbane VHF control for some time, having. already descended from FL31 O to FL120 (12,000 feet), when! the following exchange took place . . . CONTROL: “Maori 131, descend to seven thousand. ”

A/C: “131 to seven. ” (sounded strange, like frequency 131. 27) CONTROL: “No, remain here thanks on 130. 4 and descend to seven thousand. ”

NC: “Oh brother . . . okey doke!”

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Jack Koerbin, from Bellerive in Tasmania, is our next contributor. . This one is a joke against Jack himself. Some years ago, he

was approaching Tasmania’s Cambridge Airport flying a Lake Buccaneer amphibian aircraft, a beautiful aeroplane.

Now Jack loves a joke as much as the next guy, especially when he can put one of them over on his friendly local neighbourhood air traffic controller, so I’m told!

He decided to go nautical. Something like this:

A/C: “Hobart, this is Lake Buccaneer Echo Tango X-ray, making landfall at Colebrook, at two hundred fathoms. Request clearance to enter the estuary for berthing at Cambridge. ”

There was silence. He had them! But then it happened, out of the ether . . .

HOBART TOWER: ‘Vessel Echo Tango X-ray, proceed to Richmond at present depth and await pilot!”

Jack reckons he’s given up . . . you just can’t win against those quick thinking ATC’s.

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From Kim Manuel, in Darra, Qld,

Scene: Transit flight of four UH-1H helicopters, Mildura to Griffith. They are in loose formation, with all crews very noticeably bored.

UNKNOWN A/C: “Fives in. ” Minutes pass in boredom. . UNKNOWN A/C: “Fives in. ”

Now, a cheesed off flight leader: “Will you guys down the back cut out the smart talk!”

A CHEEKY UNKNOWN A/C: “Fives in!”

LEAD AIRCRAFT: “Look, I’m sick of you guys with all the idle chatter, so shut Lip!”

. A plea from the rear aircraft: “Orie from four, it’s honestly not us. If you look out your right side, you’ll see that FIVE IS IN!”

To which a now very inquisitive crew immediately glared, only to spy one very innocent looking Caribou, stealing into formation. Five was in!

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From Andrew Hipwell, Nambucca Heads, NSW.

Overheard between two commuter pilots on their company frequency. They were on a ‘milk run’ and were passing the time making up aerodrome forecasts . . .

Ale No. 1: “TAF, Honolulu, waves, six zero feet from the west. Danno on runway. Book ’em Danno!”

A/C No. 2: “TAF, McMurdo, cold . . . damn cold!” And with the Pope due the next day . . .

A/C No. 2: “TAF, Canberra, valid zero four to one zero, Pope on the runway, eight oktas of Catholics at ground level. ”

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Andrew’s a keen private pilot and his wife a keen airband listener. They also provided us with this little gem.

Flight Service Officers are constantly asked to run errands for some pilots, making calls for taxis, fuel and to let family know that they will be late, like in this incident:

A/C: “Could you please advise phone number 219 5645 that we will be a bit late, you see, we were airborne when the door flew open!”

FSO: “As long as you’re still inside, my friend. ” A/C: “I nearly wasn’t!”

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Colin Jeffery, Derby, WA.

A quiet Sunday afternoon shift at Derby is broken by . . . A/C: “Derby this is Qantas nine-one-three on one-two-two decimal one. ”

DERBY: “Qantas 913, Derby, go ahead. ”

OF 913: “Yeah . . . we can see what looks like a very long runway to the south east of you, wondering if you can tell us what it is and how long it is?”

DERBY: “Qantas 913, it’s the new RAAF base, still under construction. The main runway is 3000 metres long. ”

OF 913: “Ah, good . . . we could use that . . . we’ve only got two engines!”

Now when a pilot says something like that, there’s a mad scramble for the panic button and if you’re an FSO or ATC, you start wishing you were anywhere else but at work. But before they all recovered, the pilot came back with . . .

OF 913: “It’s all OK, we’re one of the new 767s!”

* * *

Scene: Perth HF communications centre. Frequency 11396 USS.

USAF Starlifter: “Manilla, Manilla, this is MAC 3411. ”

This continued for several minutes, with Manilla maintaining deathly silence. Suddenly, Perth decided to chip in and complete the relay.

PERTH: “MAC 3411, this is Perth, go ahead and I’ll relay. ” MAC 3411: “Arr, station calling MAC 3411, say again your callsign. ”

PERTH: “MAC 3411, this is Perth, Perth – Western Australia. ” MAC 3411: “Oh yair . . . where’s that?”

PERTH: “Perth -Western Australia, it used to be the home of the America’s Cup!”

MAC 3411: “Oh right . . . THAT Perth!”

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Darryl Wright, a First Officer on 747s for South African Airways writes from London while on a ‘layover’, with a few excellent little pieces.

Overheard over Europe . . .

Swissair 840: “Swissair 840, request flight level 330”.

ATC: “Swissair 840, unable to give you FL330 due to noise abatement. ”

Swissair 840: “But we’re now at flight level 290, how can we make a noise at FL330?”

ATC: “Swissair 840, we have traffic crossing you right to left at flight level 310. So if you climb now . . . you will collide with that traffic and believe me, that situation will create a lot of noise!”

According to Darryl, Australia’s ATC system is ‘peculiar’ compared to others overseas due to the very little that is said on control frequencies that represent sectors.

A colleague of Darryl’s on the flight deck of an SAA Boeing

747SP flying Perth to Sydney on the final leg of their Indian Oceari service to Australia was somewhere over the Great Australian Bight when the following words broke the stony silence:

UNIDENTIFIED AC: “I’m ——g bored!”

ADELAIDE CONTROL: “That last aircraft station that just transmitted, identify callsign thanks!”

UNIDENTIFIED AC: “Sorry mate . . . I’m not that ——g bored!” (Must confess I’ve heard this one before, done slightly differently by some Hercules drivers! Ed)

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Overheard at London Heathrow:

Scene: RW28, one very hot summer evening. Departures from RW28 make a dogleg turn to the south so as to avoid Windsor Castle and thus making a noise there, which would . . . perish the thought . . . disturb the royals!

A PanAm 747, getting airborne from RW28, suffered an engine

failure on rotation.

PANAM FIRST OFFICER: “Arr . . . tower . . . Clipper 6, ah . . . we’re gonna continue straight ahead runway heading and dump some fuel!”

HEATHROW TOWER: “Are you aware, Sir, that to continue straight ahead on runway heading will take you overhead Windsor Castle? Her Majesty is currently in residence!” CLIPPER 6: (Quick as a flash. . . ) “Ask Her Majesty if she just wants the gas . . . or the aeroplane and the gas!”

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Phil Crocker, of Frenchs Forest, NSW, writes with this little gem:

AC: “Bankstown Tower, this is Romeo Victor Whiskey, I’m a Duchess, 3 miles east of the field, inbound:”

TOWER: “Romeo Victor Whiskey . . . hello . . . I’m a tower! Join circuit downwind for RW11 left!”